and that has made all the difference

Where in the world is God?

2012-01-29T02:29:00.003+08:00

It's the end of the first month of 2012. I resolve at the end of the first month of 2012. But this time I am half the man I am meant to be. I am far from him, and I feel the cold and shudder of it all. In ways and many, I understand when they say that the world does not satisfy. Maybe I feel happy and maybe I feel in place, but at night, when I go to bed, I know that something has to be missing from this fleeting, transient, and individually placed memories that I chase after.

I chase after my experiences. I create names for unique possibilities and interesting occasions. I choose to commemorate them and I treasure them. But without the context of a bigger relationship, without the context of a greater goal, it's true, that these just become happy memories that are important, but contribute little in the long run.

I teach sunday school and I play for worship in my church, and every sunday I wake up and go to church and face God and listen to him. I tell people I want to be a good Christian, but in so many ways I run, and in so many ways I refuse to listen to him, and in so many ways I do little of the ideal Christian I have in my mind.

Maybe, just maybe, tomorrow afternoon we can fight it out again God. The problem with stuffing our calendars with so many things, is that we don't have time for the important things. So tomorrow night, when I am back from Zhern's, we will talk. And I will start my slow painful treading journey back to you. Where are you God?

Happy Cny!

2012-01-24T00:44:00.001+08:00

Photoroll :) unedited and unstoried hopefully i wake up in time to get some work done. A bit sick but oh well.

the new iPhone blogger is actually pretty nifty. Not too bad afterall.

Greater joy

2012-01-22T12:00:00.001+08:00

Yea I like your photos, and yea I like your effects, and sure I like the people that's captured on your set.

But there's no greater joy, then Serving and moulding kids towards the right paths.

Yea I lose some of my Saturday night life, and I lose a precious weekend night, and no I may not have as many friends that seem to set you right.

But I have something everlasting and one that will forever last. So thank you for your worldly offers but this time?

I think I'll pass

New iphone post

2012-01-16T22:58:00.002+08:00

So I tried the blogger from the iphone and hey its kinda cool how u can post picture at the same time and talk about everything. Given it's incompatibility, maybe its finally time to change my blog skin and...say goodbye to this old skin. It's...a pretty nice skin actually. But one day, we all have to move on

Once

2012-01-16T21:03:00.001+08:00

Use this one. This one first.

Bread

2012-01-16T19:42:00.001+08:00

And then, turning her back, she said,
But the bread isn't fresh anymore

It was hidden between the lines

2011-12-31T17:21:00.001+08:00

Watchnight

2011-12-29T22:57:00.002+08:00

The sweetest fruits are those that are reaped with the joys of hard work.

I spend my New Year's eve not at some big party, not in the joy and fun of counting down with bigs and splashes, not at the marina bay sands or sentosa count down, not because I don't want to and not because I don't have friends who want to.

But I spend my new year, in what the world deems a boring old traditional way. Quietly (apart from our pastor's and congregations attempt to make it more oomph) in the corner of my church sanctuary, kneeling and praying and once in a while singing.

They say you spend the most important events, with the most important people. Thats why we go back home for Christmas. That's why we visit relatives, or family, what is supposed to be the most important to you, on Chinese New Year.

That is why at the start of the New Year, I choose to spend it with my God, my King, my Saviour, my friend. Of course we make time for friends here and there, and of course in other ways we spend time with friends here and there. But sometimes in life, somethings are just a bit more special, and a bit more important, because you know that you are sacrificing other things as important and perhaps extremely special, to commit it to something even greater.

So this watchnight God will speak. I will fight like hell probably, but I know that there is only one place I belong eventually. It doesn't need to be in a church, it doesn't need to be with a service, it doesn't need to be littered with bible verses and sermons. But it belongs to God, and in my own little way, I will dedicate my first hour, and hopefully the rest of year, to the hope and joy that tomorrow brings.

Sacrifice. Sometimes the world calls for it.

A Christmas worth Merrying over

2011-12-25T00:47:00.003+08:00

My Christmas Message 2011 :)

I started this blog in 2007 when...I made a big, life changing decision. That gives me 07,08,09,10, a total of four Christmases since. Haha for the sake of my memory, I really cannot remember how they were celebrated, just that last year I was in Slovenia on the slopes skiing, there was a year I was in Japan, and another year...not too sure.

Merry Christmas my friends. I have so much in my mind and so much to share and so much to think about that it is overwhelming.But I love Christmas. I really do

I really do because this is the season, where I see God closest, closest ever, to the world. It is a spirit of giving, and sharing, and loving, and making amends, and coming with family, forgiving old wrongs, and moving on. It is the way God intended the world to function - one of love, thanksgiving, and immense joy. It is the no.1 season in my life, for me, because, my whole life is premised on almost everything that happens on Christmas :) It is the season where God's ultimate plan for humankind took the form of humankind, and gave me the reason and joy to really truly believe and live the way it is.

There is so, so, so much more to Christmas. The Christmas message is one of joy and love. It is a reason for ultimate, pure joyful celebration :) It is sad, how mankind has distorted and tainted pure joy with the flirtation with sin sometimes. It is like destroying the sanctity and beauty of sex with pornography.

So today apart from my immense joy and thanksgiving, I pray so much for my friends who may not have come to know of the ultimate joy of Christmas. That they will find that the answers to life may not necessarily lie in today, but a joy, and hope, that is tomorrow :)

Merry Christmas friends :) eyes closing thanksgiving tomorrow :)

The World

2011-12-17T18:03:00.002+08:00

The problem with the world

is that it tells you everything is ok

and then it discreetly leads you down

small steps in the path of self destruction

Things i have to do

2011-12-16T13:40:00.003+08:00

1. Tailor ALL my pants (finally long overdue)

2. Write testimony and plan Operation Sneakevan

3. Christmas parties - SAC 21st, CF 22nd, Caroling23/24, Family lunch 25th, Maybe 26th, Jiajia27th. Fit in Ben somewhere. check Church programs (youth stayovers). Decide on the conglomerate

4. Do Christmas list prayer that God speaks to people this Christmas

5. Set aside spend time with ""

6. Write thank you emails for cards

It's Christmas people. There is no closer time in the year, where love is shared and for once, we catch a glimpse of what humanity, was meant to be. What better time to love?

Self destruction

2011-12-09T21:20:00.003+08:00

The dangers of just one time

Hello from the land of Aussie and down under! beach has been beautiful and sadly have to do my research paper along the way. Not sure how I am really going to survive.

Tonight the culmination of thought occurs in my slow rejection of the "just-one-night" theory. It's an interesting thing how God promised that if you continually meditate on his word, slowly, his truths get revealed to you. Thought, really requires effort, and effort, really makes a difference. Things work, really because, you put effort into it. Marriages, relationships, family, grades, sporting excellence, is truly effort. People cheapen God's grace by trying not to put in effort.

Tonight I realised the dangers of "just one time", and how the world promotes it. This slow realization occurred because of a conversation i had about "friends-with-benefits". My friend thought it was perfectly ok, because, i mean, if both parties are fine, why not? In that same breath, she agreed with one night stands. Basically, whats wrong with it?

People always think one-off things are ok. Its just one night, its just this, its just that. I think when we're young we're taught to enjoy the thrills of what the earth blesses us with. We seek experiences, and want to try everything.

Which boy, wouldn't want to experience sex, for example. Why should, a one night quickie, or two nights, or a just here and there, make a real difference, if eventually, I can grow up to be a responsible man who will love my wife and be devoted to her?

Humans seek experiences, claiming that, when they grow up, it will all stop. One day, we are going to grow up, and ok then I will decide to stop.

The fact is, there is nothing wrong with these experiences. who, doesn't like a fun experience? Travelling on a holiday, climbing mt everest, going diving, learning salsa, are all fun experiences the God has blessed the world with. There is nothing wrong with that.

Sadly, the world glorifies experiences that flirt heavily with sin. scoring with girls, hooking up with the hot guy, dating a lesbian, trying weed, picturing naked topless australian girls in the nude beach, blacking out totally getting drunk, are ALL supposed to be trophies in mankinds belt. "WAH, that is so cool!" People listen to these stories, look at you with some form of admiration, and hollywood always portrays the hero this way.

Pair this flirtatious nature of sin, with a "just-one-night" behaviour, and the devil has an extremely powerful, seditious, attractive, and exceptionally nimble strategy to corrupt us. It is ok, to get awfully smashed just this night, maybe utter a few vulgarities, be a bit more touchy with these girls, and if they dont mind, why not?

It's ok to have sex, once or twice, just for the experience la. Why not? I will be responsible next time ma.

It's ok to be irresponsible just tonight la. I "deserve" it, I have always listened and been good! How can one night of naughtiness possibly outbalance my whole week of being good? "It's just tonight right?"

People don't realise that a combination of these two topple anyone. The erosion of human principle and character and belief doesn't occur over night, but across a long span of time. As we flirt more with sin, our conscience slowly gets moulded to believe that, hey, maybe its not SO WRONG after all. Even if there are consequences, it ain't so bad after all.

People fail to diet properly, not because, "just one more chocolate bar" screws up the calorie count, but because, then they are reminded of the taste of the bar, and then their mental ability weakens, and they eventually give in to the 2nd 3rd 4th bar.

Partners stray in a relationship, because they enjoy the moment, and sometimes even rationalise that its just one night, so why not?

The fact is, one night experiences, make a difference. People get addicted to smoking, drugs, sex, gluttony, lust, anger, pride, because the first time, was just one time. True, many people stop and quit, but only because of extreme will power and God's grace. Boys stumble and get addicted to pornography because the first time was just "one time", and then, every weekend night becomes "aiya just tonight la".

Experiences are fun. Sadly, our sinful nature tells us experiences with sin, is also fun. We rationalise saying that One day, we are going to grow up, and ok then I will decide to stop.

Little do we realise, that we don't stop, when we grow up.

Really, we grow up, when we decide to stop.

And no, it is not easy to give up these experiences i suppose. Everyday, we will be challenged to have "one-night-offs". I will enter the legal world which might tell me, maybe one night lets just loosen our ties and get drunk and find some girls to make us feel better. And sin will ALWAYS lurk around the corner and be ready to pounce at me.

Better start learning to keep my one-off experiences to rightful things :)

That the world may know

2011-11-28T16:35:00.003+08:00

Cuz your star and I'm so blue

Leave me a space between the two

Kiss the wind and dance in the air

Tomrrow's gone I won't be there

Dear God,

Tomorrow I take the last paper ever in the formal education of my life, and then, just like this, my years in university will be over. I grew up with dreams of what university life would be, dreams that my parents told me of - bunking in with friends, midnight runs with girls, late night suppers, christian fellowship. And then you gave me SMU, which is nothing like what I had imagined.

Law school was interesting. University life was nothing I had dreamt of. They say the world robs you of your dreams if you just get stuck in the machinery of it all. I went on to become law soc president, then went on exchange, then took time to do my own stuff, and got into really messy stuff, forgetting the 4G promises that I made before I went in.
But photos and pictures do no justice to the grace and mercy you have shown me. Throughout these four years, you have sheltered me. In times where I rush in without thinking, and my heart is vulnerable, you protect me. You gave me friends that I never thought I would make, you gave me grades I am always so complacent of, and you gave me opportunities to get to know you.

In my folly I have wasted so many of these opportunities. I have denied you time and again. I chose not to go for CF in the early years of my life. Sometimes I just to say I don't want to study so hard, cheating you of how you may have blessed me so graciously with the ability to understand more and easier. I choose to dabble with the joys that the world brings - social life, girls, drinking, impulsive times of the life.

So God as I take my last exam, I don't pray for grades this time. If anything, I pray for the rest of SMU. That you be throughout them in these exam God. That you grant them the wisdom and calmness of heart that they need to go through this. I don't want all this Lord. If there is anything I want,
Is that I want to go back to where I was always meant to be. I want to start with the four Gs again. I want to be responsible with my life to you. I don't need to be smart, I don't need to be good looking, I don't need to be capable in the world Lord. I am, so shallowly hopeless in my worldly, human needs, in how I want to be respected, appreciated, loved, and looked up to. But I don't pray that you fill this gap.

I pray that you open my eyes to how you have led me and grown me these four years. Open my eyes to your blessings and grace and your presence in my life. Open my eyes to no longer be fascinated with the shallow and transient fun and good this world proclaims to have, and open my eyes to what is good, and everlasting in your name.

So as I end my last paper ever, I thank you for the four years in my life God. And as I go back to the start, and start this slow arduous journey of coming back to you, remind me that it is all, for you. And that i can truly and really say everyday, "my life, for your glory"

Kick Ass SMU. Tmr we battle one last time.

low self esteem

2011-11-26T00:51:00.001+08:00

I am a sinner God

and for all that self confidence that I have

sometimes I am utterly worthless

if not for you.

Faith

2011-11-24T15:57:00.001+08:00

“In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't.” - Blaise Pascal

Confessions of a failing Christian

2011-11-19T17:33:00.003+08:00

The Christian struggle is that after all my preaching and evangelism and goody-two Christian bible study and Church-going and salvation

Deep inside me

I still want to get drunk and mess around

Lust inside me boils like a simmering pot

A part of me thinks I am better smarter and more deserving than other humans

Pride prowls in the dark corners of my heart

I miss the bitching and gossiping and slandering and laughing at people

making fun of fat girls ugly faces telling crude jokes

giving in and having more just tonights of irresponsible and reckless fun

exploiting the less abled and stepping on others manipulating and playing the system

Do you not realise

that maybe a part of me wants to do it to?

and beyond my holier-than-thou seemingly lofty moral platform

I am a failing Christian and a creature of the world

and it is not really moral holy spiritual pedigree and standards that make the cut

but the mere fact that either everyday i grow closer to God

or further away

with you

Mirror mirror on the wall

2011-11-19T12:37:00.002+08:00

True Character is not revealed in the response to natural circumstances

True Character is revealed in the toughest times of adversity, and what one chooses to do in one's free time. Because life is a choice, and ultimately you choose, what kind of person you become.

This December holidays I choose God.

2011-11-18T01:17:00.002+08:00

Maybe I am beginning to realise more and more

It's truly the fear of the Lord

that is the beginning

of wisdom

In your hands

2011-11-17T19:32:00.002+08:00

And there'll be a next year

and maybe a next

and then another one again.

and you don't know whether it'll be a yes

Or maybe a no

and I don't know whether I can smile

or maybe I'll frown

And I'll go crazy

BUT

at the end of the day

your way is perfect

and your plan is good

And if the path is straight

Then I know in my heart

It's time to finally let it go

into your hands

Things i cannot post on facebook

2011-11-14T15:04:00.002+08:00

http://theresurgence.com/2011/09/12/what-is-beautiful

Things that I cannot post on facebook,

But enough to remind myself that true beauty is not only in the eye of the beholder

but should be seen in the eyes of Jesus

They should do one for men should they not?

nose in the air

2011-11-12T22:58:00.003+08:00

Pride is a disgusting thing

it makes humans think we are smarter than a God out there.

it makes us unwilling to serve one another in humble obedience.

it makes service and giving in a disgusting submissive thing.

So you can keep your lowly human pride and be happy with the world.

and I hope that it makes you eternally happy

because I know that in my world, even if I cannot find it in me,

He's promised that its gonna be in his perfect plan.

I told you so. Maybe it's time to stop trying

love like no other

2011-11-10T17:24:00.002+08:00

Laugh too much

Love too much

Fall too hard

Cry too hard

Because life was never meant to be an incomplete shadow of what you were capable of

and you cannot protect yourself from sadness

without shielding yourself, from happiness.

So laugh like there is no tomorrow

and love like there is no other

give all that you could ever give

stop existing

and start living

Matter of balance

2011-11-08T12:19:00.002+08:00

don't like

Really, it's a matter of balance.

don't like

don't like?

Don't care

Wholesome

2011-11-07T12:55:00.003+08:00

At the schoolyard there was an enormous maple tree. A dozen or more kids stood under it, each of them gazing attentively up into the tree. They were playing a game: catch a leaf when it falls.

I swear it was the most wholesome thing I’ve seen in my life.

It's a sad thing the human race has led itself into. Nights are no longer fun without alcohol. Camps aren't cool without smashed out last nights. Relationships aren't sexy without some, sex. Conversation isn't funny without crude jokes or a bit of gossip and bitching. "Living a bit" means being a little bit irresponsible.

It's a world which equates and glorifies a bit of fun, with a bit sin, not knowing that that's all it takes.

That all it takes is a bit of sin, to get to hell.

Photo credits to http://hlsj.tumblr.com/post/12399498873/camp-like-a-princess-trek-like-a-tigress

10/11/11 Update: there's been some photo credit issue regarding this photo, and i've been informed that credits rightfully belong to this owner: http://www.greentea.tk/2011/11/content-theft-fake-travel-blog.html Thanks for the updates, and will be happy to comply with any other requirements to use them.

things we forget

2011-11-03T23:52:00.001+08:00

That’s life, and love. When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness.

Love shows up in all forms, even very small and cheeky forms, it has never been a model, it could be the most dull and boring form.. . flowers, and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of the relationship. Under all this, the pillar of true love stands… and that’s our life… Love, not words win arguments…

Pasta

2011-10-31T20:43:00.003+08:00

Off we go run and pretend

avoid believe that it won't end

Dream my dreams and let things run

I can't pretend, and you can't pun

I'll smile and say that it's alright

Bright morning comes, after the night

See through me, and call my bluff

cuz beauty is but everything seen through love

Take a stand

2011-10-29T18:15:00.003+08:00

Be respectable. If you believe in something, then state it and live for it. Don't find excuses for avoidances based on cooked up nonsense. Don't smoke if you don't believe it. Don't drink if it's against your religion. Don't lie if you think it's wrong. And don't shut up when people ask you why, if not you'll never know, and they'll never know. Be proud of what you believe in, even if it goes against the whole world. Then at least it's all going to be honest.

Take a stand. Because if you don't stand for anything, then you'll fall for anything

And the world is going to consume all of you.

Goodnight

2011-10-29T15:36:00.001+08:00

Little stuff I believe in

2011-10-27T14:06:00.002+08:00

As you grow up, you learn

That people who weren't supposed to let us down sometimes will

that you'll have your heart broken, and you'll break other hearts

that mistakes haunt us, that you'll blame a new love for the things an old love did

that you'll fight with your best friend, and cry because time flies by too fast, and that sometimes we eventually lose someone you love

So take too many pictures

laugh too much

forgive freely

and love like you've never been hurt

because every second you spend angry or upset, is a second of happiness you ca never get back

because really, hope can be found, everywhere you seek it

Lonely Whale

2011-10-25T09:41:00.002+08:00

I just had breakfast. I was going to take a photo to upload here then a wave of terribleness flooded over me - the narcissistic user on twitter who thinks the whole world would like to see and know what he is doing in his life effect. So...I didn't do it, but eggs and sausages always make a good breakfast.

Recently, I had a friend tell me the loneliest whale story again. It's been going round since the beginning of the year actually, and when I was first read it, I thought it was pretty sad. If you don't know the story, it's about a whale who cannot communicate with others because he sings at a different frequency. In order not to bastardize science,

It sings at 52 Hertz, which is roughly the same frequency as the lowest note on a tuba, and much higher than its fellow whales, whose calls fall in the 15 to 25 Hertz range... The result, according to Dr. Kate Stafford, a researcher at the National Marine Mammal Laboratory in Seattle, is that the lonely whale keeps "saying 'Hey, I'm out here,'" but "nobody is phoning home.

That's one kind of a lonely whale hey. As the authors conclude

Just imagine that massive mammal, floating alone and singing—too big to connect with most of the beings it passes, feeling paradoxically small in the vast stretches of empty, open ocean

Paradoxically small, in a huge ocean.

Somewhat or rather, I tend to feel like that sometimes. Paradoxically small and lonely, in this huge vast world.

I see the world in a very different paradigm from, a lot of other people. I make my decisions and work my life out using a singular lens of how I believe things should be viewed. In certain ways, how I act and view the world, resonates at 52 hertz, and not 15 to 25 hertz.

I view my world in a Christian paradigm because I believe that my life is in God's plan, and not that God is in my life plan. There are a lot of smooth-saying one liners we learn in the Christian faith - how we shouldn't be "sunday" Christians, that God is not meant for one day, but for everyday, how we should not give 10% of offering, but 100% of our lives etc etc. Underlying this is really a paradigm shift in reality -

that it is my life in God's plan, not God in my life plan.

that means that yes, everything, is connected and drawn back to the bible, Jesus, and God. that means the decisions I make, the music I listen to, the activities i choose to do, the way i spend my time, all will have to do with my faith. It is a ground-breaking fundamental root affecting paradigm shift, away from the world's common decision making tools.

The world teaches you to make decisions a number of ways

1. "Just tonight" - if it makes you feel good, then do it. Just this once will be ok

2. "Live a little" - how can your life be so boring? You need to do a bit of "fun" stuff

3. "It's not that bad" - weigh the outcomes! Does it really affect your life? If it doesn't really affect it, then ok la.

yadadada.

I make my decisions in a different way because to me everything is linked to one singular higher purpose - to become more like Jesus. And psychology tells you that your character, and personality, is shaped by a multitude of things - your friends, your thoughts, your actions.

Things which aren't based on one off huge events, but on everyday simple minute and recurring things.

So i live my life in a very different way. I live it at 52hertz, unlike what most of a lot of people i do know. Thankfully, by God's grace, I am not like the lonely whale, because God knows that no man is an island, and that anyone would probably die without friends. And thankfully, I have found enough friends who communicate at the same frequency I do - friends who actually have glimpses or understanding at this frequency, and some who actually even operate at that frequency.

So i take heart in my 52 hertz frequency. That my job is to go round living at this frequency, yet trying my best to reach out and communicate with others who are different.

And today I challenge you to make that fundamental switch in your frequency. This may compromise certain friendships because new differences, but our God is a gracious God who will fill your needs. And also take heart that there are people who have glimpses of understanding at this frequency, and maybe we were meant to show others the greater meaning in life.

The author's claim that the whale was one of the loneliest things in the planet. I want to share an interesting, alternative view proposed. The author opines that this story of the whale, is really a reflection of the human race

The original story was extracted from a December issue of Deep Sea Research, but it has been spun into a tale, in which the moral is very pronounced. Someone who themselves is a sentimentalist, a hopeless romantic, or lonely at times or even feeling out casted to an ambit, can appreciate why every article and blog I peruse about the 52 Hz whale insists that this whale is sad, depressed, lonely, looking for love, looking for friends, looking to belong.; it’s possible people are projecting onto the whale, or conceptualizing the whale to posses human cognition and emotions. Relating him to a time in life when they’ve felt this way or someone they’ve known to feel that way or just knowing that people in general perpetually feel that way

He concludes by saying that maybe, just maybe, the whale doesn't feel like this. that different people have different ways of communicating, and different ways of leading your lifestyle.

And perhaps, it is thus like that for me. I have chosen a lifestyle which may necessarily compromise on a lot of the fun, excitement, thrills, that the world offers me. I have rejected pre-marital sex, fun-filled hangover nights, one night stands, opportunistic hedonistic drug trying smoking, the fun of crude jokes with guys, shutting my eyes to victoria secret fashion shows, not based on a moralistic high ground that I am holier than everyone because i do so, but because i operate on a different frequency towards what I believe is the true aim in life.

In an extremely geek analogy, my wavelengths are narrow, and this path is a rigid and hard one. But I live in a fundamentally different paradigm, one that sees not the challenges and wretchedness of today, but focuses on the hope, and the joy everlasting, that comes tomorrow.

And in that sense, maybe, I don't feel so lonely anymore.

prayer

2011-10-24T21:59:00.001+08:00

Tone my mind,

and guard my heart

oh Lord

for what my thoughts make me who I am

With me

2011-10-24T12:02:00.000+08:00

The Lord my Shepherd guards me well,
And all my wants are fed:
Amid green pastures made to lie,
Beside still waters led.
My care-worn soul grows strong and whole
When God’s true path I tread.

Though I should walk in darkest ways
Through valleys like the grave,
No evil shall I ever fear;
Your presence makes me brave.
On my behalf Your rod and staff
Assure me You will save.

living Christian

2011-10-22T10:07:00.002+08:00

The Christian walk is a slow arduous and sometimes lonely one. And the renewing of the mind can be a hard process. I laugh at other people's less branded cars, smirk at their behaviour, detest their less nimble and reasoned mind, scorn at their ugly powerpoint slides, look down upon their thoughtless comments, pride myself in my grades and investments, perching myself on the top of the ladder.

Not realising that just like them, I deserve to go to hell because I am everlastingly flawed and perverse. I am disgusting and wretched and prideful and condescending.

So this is a little reminder that everything starts in the mind. That if I continue to scorn others, or I try to placate my sinful tendencies in small little things I do then I am willingly fanning the desires of my sinful nature.

That while my diary is private, penning my thoughts in utter contempt helps to breed those thoughts.

That while I may have understanding friends who accept me for who I am, slamming others in front of them is acknowledging my prideful nature

That while everything in my brain is really, private and unknown, harbouring evil thoughts is really giving life to them.

And I have thought about it conclusively and hard and I know my final goal - that if given a choice of the extremes, I'd much rather be a boring, overly thoughtful and commonly nice Christian, rather than to be an exciting salacious story filled semi-bitchy gossipy funny person.

Because the world could always do more with the former, and not, the latter.

So get out of my brain you little devil - because God lives there.

Snippets

2011-10-22T09:45:00.007+08:00

I'll sit on the front porch all night

Drenched in vanilla twilight

Hello it's been a rather work packed week in actuality. I hate it when I have to solely tank and spearhead projects. It can get tiring and tiresome really. But then I guess we all have challenges to face. People think being a leader is just dominating and delegating and all that. It's more than that. It's thinking for your members and coaching them and loving them and not crushing them when their work is off direction, but guiding them in love and kindness. And inspiring them to be the better person that they are meant to be. So much so tired that I actually fell sick

Thank you :) You make me smile in the most retarded and funny ways. And I hope I do so for you too.

Fried rice cooked by my little sister. SUPER proud of her. In an extremely biased way, this confirm chope better than any restaurant fried rice.

O$P$. Don't need to be shy thank you. Chef D'table lunch! Very good food really. And Jason is a really nice chef.

Fa-chai

Happy birthday Kim Hock!

7.08am - things you do when you arrive too early and people are dead asleep.

Essential rugby venue. Go All blacks. Whip those french cou'de'vote asses

Watch out KJU

And there is nothing more worthy in my life, than leading the kids in the right direction and sharing with them the greatest gift ever given to man - the salvation and grace of Jesus Christ :)

WADDUP PUNK

Fishballs :)

Snail food :) SUPER NICE. a bit expensive though haha.

Arumanis mango very sweet finally got to taste it after mine got stolen.

Concert encouragements :)

Ok morale boosters up thank God for the wonderful things and wonderful people in my life LSM FIIM IEA project WATCH YOUR FACE cuz i am gonna thrash your ass.

Rain rain go away

2011-10-21T12:12:00.002+08:00

Rain Rain Go away

Come again another day

I need a morale lifter and booster

The other view

2011-10-17T22:22:00.001+08:00

Fashion - That's what the world calls high heeled platforms and mini red dresses lined with chic glasses and large necklace. The excuse to make women feel inadequate about their body and make them pay to feel wanted. The world's lame reason to make the good-looking feel better, and the worst looking feel worst. Let me tell you what fashion is young woman. It's the confidence knowing that there's more to you than a piece of cloth hanging and wrapping your body. It's knowing that you have been created to be a beautiful person, not by what you wear outside, but what you have inside. It's carrying yourself in a way that shows that maybe we should start seeing others by who they are, and not what they wear.

So go buy your high heels and belts for all I care. And I hope they last you as long as the season stays, and as fickle as the wind blows. I'll just keep to being me and fixing that flawed demon inside slowly. One day, at least I know, I'll never go out of fashion.

- Lily McAdalay, The boy named George.

Looking for you

2011-10-12T10:31:00.003+08:00

Hello you,

If you've reached this post, you've probably been directed to it by me through facebook (since that is the new privacy-invading tool of the century), or you actually still follow me here. Whatever it is, then you must be an important enough friend to be a part of my life significant enough to make a difference, which is why this will be important for you to read.

Come the 14th of October 2011, I will be quitting alcohol including my beloved wine and erdinger and little cocktails like breezers, and all sorts of fatty oily delicacies Singapore has to offer including Siew-yok(roast pork), duck, suppers, and all the food that I miss. In some ways, yes, this is sort of a mini-fast. And if you are wondering why, there are three main reasons for this.

1. Gratitude for the greater things in life

There was an old man whom, almost every other evening, would go down to the pier and throw bread to the seagulls. I had noticed him for about 2 weeks already, and I was curious why he was so faithful and dedicated to feeding the seagulls. So one day I approached him and asked him, what was the big deal in feeding the seagulls.

He told me his story. Back then during the war, he and his comrades were out at sea. Their ship was hit, destroyed, and they were left shipwrecked, clutching on debris to survive, and having only their personal rations on them. Days passed, with no rescue ship coming. Their rations ran out, and they would die if rescue didn't come. On the 12th day, running out of water and starving, he prayed to God to save them. And boy did all of them pray.

As they were praying, a seagull landed on, his head. All of them looked at it, and he stretched out his hand to catch the seagull. He was slow, exhausted from the lack of food and water, but amazingly, he managed to catch the seagull! They proceeded to kill it, and with whatever they had, made a makeshift fishing rod and used it for bait. They managed to catch fish, and because of that, had something to eat, and eventually survived the ordeal.

To him, what was amazing, was how he caught the seagull. As he stretched his hand out, the seagull did not move, did not try to fly away, but simply stood there on his head. Somehow or rather, it seemed to understand that it would be giving up its life, so that so many others, could live. And that is why, till today, he makes it a point to come down almost every evening, to feed the seagulls there - because one died, so that he could live.

I think there is so much to be thankful for in life. When we say grace, we make it a cursory thank you God for the food and move on with life going on to fill our stomachs with mouth-watering delicacies. We punctuate our sentences with nice sounding phrases, asking God to bless our company and bless the fellowship, but so often I miss out the point - that grace is truly feeling thankful for the blessings that I have in front of me.

A recent video on youtube drove home this point (link here: http://youtu.be/0RsRFklZ2-8). Named CNN hero of the year, Narayanan Krishnan quit his lucrative job to feed the homeless and destitute in his hometown. He concludes his video by asking - "what is the ultimate purpose of life?"

There is so much to thank for in life. The curse of the blessing is that we too often overlook what is given to us. And I think to start off, maybe because I can afford it, it's time to deny myself some luxuries in life, so that I can truly thank God for them

2. Finding God

In Supernatural (which is an awesome sci-fi loosely-tied to the bible modern interpretation of the book of revelation), the heroes seem to be fighting a losing battle against the rise of the demons in season6. Running out of options, one of their allies, an angel, offers a solution. He will leave them on a long journey, to find God.

To find God however, one of the heroes must give up his prized possession - a necklace his father gave to him when he was a young kid. He eventually does, and Castiel leaves to find God.

I think in this world, it is so easy to lose sight of God. The world offers us a million distractions - Work, Friends, Family, Material wants, technology, Facebook. And i think there is no easy answer to why God seems to non-present in a world that is suffering and with so much poverty.

But i think finding God doesn't come in a "pop by surprise here I am!" kind of way. It comes having a heart attuned to the holy spirit, a mind humbly searching for God, and eyes that recognise God and what he actually is. So part of this fast, is such that I stop getting distracted by the world. that at least, by having a hungry stomach, maybe i will have a mind that hungers after God as well

Goodbye to all this blessings, at least for a while

So that's it. My small little motivation for a short period for a while - so that I will be thankful, and maybe by keeping my mind on him, I will find God. I've lost track of God for a while, and maybe keeping a disciplined lifestyle, a discipline prayer life, and keeping my desires checked, can i train myself to be more disciplined in finding him.

As a friend, all I can ask for you is your undying and undeserving support in this. To understand that I will still go out with you for supper, but might not necessarily eat. I will go for drinks, but will not drink, and we will still hang out, but maybe I will not have such decadent food. Because there I know that at the end of this journey, there is something waiting for me at the end. And it will be a good and worthy thing worth waiting and sacrificing for.

My Christian journey is a hard one, and I have a heavy cross to carry. I believe in this something so great and so powerful, that it is worth giving up a lot in this lifetime. Not friends, but definitely at least wine, and some good food. Because I believe God is there for the finding, amid the suffering, the unfairness, the hunger, the facebook and youtube, the sex-crazed world and the flawed human psyche.

And that I will find God, if only, I look in the right places.

We're perfect

2011-10-11T00:44:00.001+08:00

‎"He ain't perfect. You ain't perfect either and both of you will never be perfect. If either is perfect, there can never be a gap for the other to fill.

But if he can make you really laugh and truly smile just once; causes you to think twice; and admits to being human and making mistakes even thrice; hold onto him and give him the most you can. He ain't gonna quote poetry of you being his moon and stars, he ain't gonna think of you every moment even when he is asleep,

but he will give you a part of him that he know you could break and trust you ain't gonna break it.

Don't hurt him, don't change him and don't expect more than he can give. Don't scrutinize him. Smile when he makes you happy; yell when he makes you mad; pinch him when he pokes fun at you; and miss him when he ain't there. Perfect guys don't exist for sure, but there exists a perfect guy just for you to fill your life.

Most importantly,

Love hard when there is love to be had

change in lifestyle

2011-10-08T11:54:00.002+08:00

Hello boys and girls I am announcing an important change in lifestyle come tomorrow :) Just to let everyone know

2011-10-03T14:03:00.002+08:00

Do you love her?
Yes
And do you know how, rare, love is?

You know along the way, there's always gonna be a few speed bumps. but if there's something worth hanging on for, you know at the end, the journey's gonna be beautiful

because there are few things in life, really worth sacrificing for.

God in another way

2011-10-03T03:16:00.001+08:00

I always told him...
that i'll never sing?

:)

Wants

2011-09-30T10:57:00.004+08:00

Generally, as in in a broad sweeping overall picture of life, I think I am content with what I have. From young i've never really wanted anything much. In fact, my parents have problems buying me presents for Christmas/birthday ever since like, 17 or something. So amidst all the blessings, I truly thank God for what I have.

This birthday, the best birthday presents I received were a cake and a card. I think given how much God has blessed me, I find value in personal, well-thought out notes/cards and effort. Expensive gifts, are really, just expensive gifts. Money I also have.

But then, there are still nice little expensive knick knacks that I would like :) personal enough, within reach and budget still, yet haiya for the prudence of money I haven't bought. So here is the basic simple wishlist! At least for the year 2011 now

1. Accessories - Brown Leather Watch, Timberland costa dorada Boat shoes
The advent of the watch is here! And maybe it is really the third.

1.I've been looking for a brown leather strap watch for 3 years, but none have really captured my eyes on the second third glance. But a nice leather watch, with an impressive face, would be nice. I think brown leather watches go well casually and formally, in a smart in-between.

2.I could also use another pair of boat shoes. Truly, one could never have enough shoes. White/red/brown timberland costa-dorada boat shoes. Very nice

2. Wine - Nashwalk 2007 Shiraz, Decanter, Wine aerator
1.The Nashwauk McClaren Vale 2007 shiraz is one of the more impressive affordable red wine I've tried. Packs a punch with intense complex flavours of smoke and mulberries. Retailing at Straits Wine company for only $150 for 2 (on special).

2.Pair into a sexy decanter. My family has a decanter(s) already, but I would love one on my own. While the traditional ones are nice, the modern looking ones which still do a good job are impressively sexy.

3.Alternatively, another cool wine device would be a Wine Aerator and stand, which boasts of being able to fully allow wine to breathe without the long wait. I'm a little skeptical to how effective it is, but another cool wine contraption, would still be cool

3. Toys - Ipad2 and Professional woodchip poker set

Because all boys need their toys

1.Not dying for one, but the ipad2 is really quite a nifty device to carry around. I've actually dreamt of an electronic virtual slate since I was 14, but I guess when the ipad was released, I was old enough to know that it wouldn't be put to MUCH practical use. Given that I'm graduating and moving away from the laptop, perhaps a more mobile device would do handy. Pair with a colourful playful cover.

2.My friends are slowly picking up the joys of mindgames and poker! And while I have a makeshift set (because really, its the company and the mind games which are fun), having a nice wooden chip set would be extremely practical now :) makes it bring-worthy of other parties as well.

That's it! The list of things which I, don't need, but really wouldn't mind having :) On hindsight, a nice smart casual jacket would be useful as well. And tailored shirts and cufflings before i jump into the work place would be practical I guess. And maybe in the future, an aston martin :) But for now, this will suffice.

week8 finally :)

One year ago

2011-09-26T14:32:00.003+08:00

pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake baker's man

bake me a cupcake as fast as you can

Pat it and prick it and mark it with B

put it in the oven for baby and me

One year ago I was away on exchange having the time of my life, and today now I am here struggling to finish (ok maybe not struggling) studying for my mid terms. Boo. I miss Sweden, London, Germany, Switzerland, Morocco, and more importantly, whatever and whoever happened there. These are the memories which make it all a bit more beautiful

I'm not sure whether I'm ok. I haven't thought about it. But I know for now I am content, happy, and blessed. And maybe for now that is enough for me - that sometimes, the best part of the day

is you.

Study study!

This time cannot

2011-09-22T10:10:00.002+08:00

You give and take away

My heart will choose to say

Lord blessed be your name

Somethings, I cannot afford

Riding on a one-sided street

2011-09-20T18:14:00.003+08:00

Tell me Martin

Was it only a hello?

- Solveig

My Rant Against The World

2011-09-18T19:28:00.002+08:00

MRATW

It's a beautiful Sunday. Sundays are always nice days to think of life and feel the breeze and lie down on the lazy bed.

But I have to gripe. Seriously, because I'm actually a little bit tired of it all already. Like really. After you wrestle and tussle and hustle you realise that hey, God is God you know, and we're all little chess pieces in the big board game of life. And the sooner you eat your pride and know your place and recognise that the game will be beautiful in the end, the easier it gets. But it sucks sometimes really. Seriously.

I'm tired that it all has to be like this. I keep saying I want things simple but maybe it's not. And what the hell kind of friend are you man. Friends don't do these to each other. And all the bitchiness and seriously wow you are one heck kinda of a person to judge through the teeth man. Like wow. And I thought you were good friends in some sort of twisted masochistic non-understanding kind of way. Words are free, actions and effort are not. I mean really. It doesn't help at all does it? You are one heck of a bloody judgmental non-accepting prideful misogynic stuck up impudent narcissistic hypocritical pain. In the Ass.

And I'm tired of comparing and thinking and wondering and fretting and worrying and crunching up and shuddering in bed and writing in my diary and, just bloody hell worrying over the next weekend it'll come and the end and all that. Like wow I guess I can take stuff, but rocks smoothen over the slightest drips of water across the years. And maybe in this way God teaches and filters and lets me know by what he's buried deep deep inside.

I'm tired of wondering why i am not this, why I am not that, whether or not they match, whether or not it's going to be a problem. It's so tiring to care so much, that maybe it's time to stop and just let the flowers go where the wind blow. Maybe I am so inapt to stop caring, but I am so tired of wondering God what the hell you are doing and why the hell it is like that and God why the hell, was I so blind, that I am still be blind.

ironic to have God and hell in the same sentence sometimes hey?

But whatever it is, I am tired. So thank God for distractions like work. And for sundays. Although I must gripe, it is still a beautiful day, because this is the day, that the Lord, has made. And may God help me to control my thoughts, tame my heart, and silence the tongue. And forgive me.

People worth celebrating for

2011-09-12T13:46:00.004+08:00

Thank you all for your wonderful birthday wishes and presents! 25 years en-counting, quarter of a century old, young at heart and still foolish in many ways, but thank God for the gift of friendship and the love that God sends.

It's been a week of celebrations, and sadly, it has to end. Back to school with lots of work and research papers and presentations that...are definitely arriving. And with a week of backlog, thank God it's the final sem with little to do.

I thank God for all of you in my life, in the many little ways and big ways, the lessons you have taught me, and the encouragement you have been to me :) This birthday, you are worth celebrating life for :)

I LOVE SURPRISES :) even still at 25. Good Job. 1-1 :) And at least you didn't get the date totally wrong hey. And for the little lessons, in your own weird and twisted ways, the retarded faces and self-consciousness, random phrases and haikus, that teach me to be a better person.

For spiritual encouragement along my four years. For constant prayer and watching, for undeserving acceptance and guidance. Because when I turn to God, I know he placed you here for some funny little reason :)

For Family, represented by the tons, and countless lobster dinner celebrations that I've had together :) It's so nice that everyone is back. I LOVE LOBSTER.

For friends that will last a lifetime. For friends in name, family by practice, and brothers in arms. To many more years :) Although bloody hell no effort never even buy me a cake wah lau waste one wish can. Rape your ass in poker than you know.

For a life of a time on exchange, for mindgames in Germany and in Singapore, and for laughter so pure innocent and chemistry so in sync that makes wonders out of friendships. To more bbqs, more awkward silences and moments, and more mindgames :)

For unexpected friendships. UNEXPECTED. And how we click in ways that no one else knows. For billions of car rides and HTHT. And millions of camera discounts :)

For heavenly cakes, and for a dad who is a little bit retarded in expressing emotions :)

For many other lazy friends who wish me on facebook :)

For hair-raising car rides. I'm impressed by the drawing girl :) and you are right. Because friends look out for each other :)

So thank you all for the wonderful birthday celebrations. I am indeed blessed in many ways in my 25 years of life. 2 birthday cakes (because ben robbed me of one), and therefore i have 2 wishes! And so long as some secrecy remains,

One is for God to eventually find you, because life is so much more worth the living, because he lives. That true joy is truly out there, and behind the silver lining a bright sun shines

And another is for us to remain relevant in each others lives :) that we may continue to encourage and spur each other on. Because there is no greater race running, than this for the crown :)

Thank you friends. It's been a great birthday

Man in the mirror

2011-09-09T01:00:00.001+08:00

A man is best measured by the friends that he keeps

and the image the world casts upon him

Memories of a long time ago

2011-09-08T14:48:00.002+08:00

Maybe one day, we'll find that it made all the difference

你不知道你对我多么重要

Tiger Time

2011-08-31T20:55:00.002+08:00

The sneaky little problem with time,

is that given too much of it,

we learn not how to use it wisely

and then suddenly

it's all gone

Maybe its true

That we're all creatures of our own demise

Emotions

2011-08-22T16:47:00.002+08:00

The biggest enemy the human race could ever face is indifference.

And the saddest state one could ever be in,

is to not care anymore

China

2011-08-17T14:44:00.003+08:00

Starting a post is always difficult, after such a long period of inactivity. We all try to deliver power-packed mind blowing starting lines in our essays and short prose. Maybe it's a matter of pride that we try to assure ourselves that somehow or rather, our mastery of the english language must be displayed everytime we put pen to paper.

Walk with me and hold my hand

Tell me that you have a plan

Whisper that it'll be alright

Past the night come morning bright

My China OCIP trip has been enriching, frustrating, irritating, boring, fun, achieving, and lesson-learning in all ways possible. It's been a beautiful trip really. Really the kingdom of God belongs to little children. You see their desire to learn, their innocence and simple minds, and you question why in the world the adult mind gets twisted and becomes so perverse as you grow older. Fairy tales do exist - they exist in the minds and eyes of little children, and all of us could take a lesson or two learning about them.

The long lonely road we cycle to get to the school.

We cycle for 30 minutes straight. The kids? They walk for about an hour sometimes, to reach the school.

One day, we were thankful that the clouds came and the wind blew. It had been extremely hot and scorching the past few days, and we were all burnt. So that day was good. And then it began to rain. We chased the kids back and cancelled afternoon lessons, because there would be no way the kids could return in the rain. I asked one of the kids whether their house flooded when it rained. And he said yes - that's because they stay in houses where the floor is mud, and when it rains, it pours, and everything gets flooded.

One of our favourite little kids. When he smiles, his eyes becomes little rainbow-shapes

Xiao-bang-bang, the littlest boy we taught. 9 years old, and very blur

Watermelons.

Scratch my back, and I'll scratch yours

I really wanted to buy this. Very ancient pugilistic looking very chinese swordsman very my childhood dreams come true and also very useless.

Xi Hu - West lake, one of the prettier places we got to explore during our R&R stint after teaching for 21 days. Well deserved break, but they had too many sand flies there

Police center in Tu-he village. Not sure whether the car even works.

Tons of Jelly and sweets and candies

Standard breakfast - nice at first, then after a while, gets inreasingly boring once you see it everyday for about 20 days.

There is always beauty even in the most dreadful of conditions

if only we would learn, how to look

A number of people have asked me how to hear God - how do you know when he is speaking, what he is saying, and how do you know it is really him? How do you even know possibly that there is a God. And this China trip, once again, I see God in so many areas and places. I see him the innocence of the laughter of the little children. I see him in beautifully painted skies amidst the dreadful living conditions we are given. I see him in the handshake and hospitality of a stranger. I see him in the smile of a mother to her child. And I see him in the many things that there are to give thanks for in life.

The thing is, God has always been there. It's just a matter of whether we really want to find him, or whether we're just looking for the potholes in the picture.

So there she goes

2011-07-19T20:55:00.002+08:00

You make me smile when the sun don't

shine on a rainy sunday afternoon

And so what if, it's just a summer breeze

Give me one more kiss, girl I can promise this

With chocolate cones lava cakes blue

berry pies we'll both bake

Come with me and we'll dance in the sea

Just tonight

Cuz only God knows, what the future holds

so there she goes

Youth

2011-07-15T17:54:00.002+08:00

We let our children see pictures on television that taint their mind and numb their moral conscience. We condone small acts and little faults, shy upon loose vulgarities that escape our mouths and fall upon the ears of the young. We say that one day, they will grow up and they will learn what is right or wrong, and one day, they can judge for themselves. And maybe in this way society has failed - failed to guard the minds, the hearts, and the ways of our children, led astray by our very actions and speech. Because too often we forget that sin does not always need to lurk in dark alleyways, but openly strolls along the path of near-truths and false acceptance, and that evil, unlike the law, is no respecter of age.

hello

2011-07-10T22:30:00.003+08:00

back from the dead

ready to sleep

hello world

poems dont rhyme

all the time :)

What's in the pot

2011-06-30T02:52:00.003+08:00

Hello world. There are many things i would like to do today, which includes playing fifa, playing LOTR, playing halo 3 (how lag right), visiting C, writing in summer diaries which is horribly lagging, running through facebook stuff, uploading photos. But i think important thoughts are always worth writing down. Somehow writing and blogging helps you consolidate the little thoughts running around in your head, which is always a good thing isn't it?

Today's post is somehow related to poker. We have an open game with the boys, and i am on a current roll of credit $78.50. It's quite a massive sum, at least for common by the table gambling. I don't like gambling. In that, i really don't like it. I guess i like the thrill, and the strategy, but apart from that, money has no appeal somewhat. Firstly, how much is it. $100? $200? There are so many better, cleaner, smarter, ways to earn money. And more money. If you have such big brains for poker, use it for the stock market then give your riches to the poor.

I think in some ways, poker sometime hinges on a bit of complacency. Kinda makes you feel that woa you are the best on the table no one knows how to read your game. Not good also. One should always be humble. Like so what if you have the strategy and skills? I really ramble. Congratulations Amanda Gwa I actually dealt you a royal flush! first time i saw.

Actually it all ties in to bible study that day. In paul's letter to the philippians, paul warns the christians there of bad examples. He writes

...many live as enemies of the cross. Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is set on earthly things...

Which spoke so much to me. I think in our lives, the earth tells us what is important. And then we set our mind so much to attain it. I am taught that it is important to

1) score A+ and be very intelligent in school

2) Look good. Work out in the gym, get a six pack, buy nice clothes

3) Be streetsmart - learn to cut the corners and do things the "smart" way

4) Outsmart, outlive, outwit, and outplay. Be the champion. Be no.1 in what you do.

And many other things. The world tells me it is important to be good in poker. It is good to be able to dance well in a club. It is important to be funny and gregarious and attractive. And a whole list of others to be the "ideal" man.

In some ways, i guess these are good things. Really. I think they are.

But the sad fact is, they become so important that they pull us away from what is even more important, and good. Which is God. I spend so much time trying to keep fit, study hard, socialize with friends, trade on the stock market, gaining credentials which i think are "important", yet in the shadows lurk the work I do for God. The times i could have spent speaking to someone about Christ, building friendships with non-believers, spending time with lost brothers. The world has taught me that i have achieved much, with everything that I have. But at what cost?

In contrast, paul writes and encourages the philippians to

...forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus...

I recently spoke to a friend, claiming that my poker victories are really because God is blessing me because i don't plan to take their money at the end of it. And i really don't. I think its quite interesting how they think they're playing real money, but as a principle, I don't think i'll take their money. I don't encourage gambling, and there's still a part of me that won't endorse it. I guess with the small money its still for the fun, but $80 is enough to be large enough to say no. In reply, she said that maybe it's because i'm just good at it.

Perhaps i am, and perhaps it is good to continue to gain skills that the world finds good. But i realise that humans are exceptionally predictable and understandable - what you find important, you spend time. That is why body builders spend so much time at the gym, because they find their body shape very important. That is why lovers spend so much time together, because they find each other important.

And as i reflect, recently my time has been spent going to the gym, eating and dieting properly, meeting friends, reading nice philosophy books, and play poker. Its...shameful that i spend so much time on this, yet don't even put in the effort to do more of God's work. Like paul says, be wary of those whose minds are set on...earthly things. And as my dad always prayed for me,

For your thoughts become words

your words become actions

your actions become habits

your habits become character

and your character, becomes you

You put in your pot what you find important to you. So here's an ode to throwing out all these worldly things which have been distracting me, and trying my best to strain forward for the prize, and give up my mind on these worldly things. Yea, maybe my A+ and good body is important, but God knows, the workers are plenty, and the world could use even one more person, trying his best to share salvation.

So what's in your pot friend? Real friends are those that walk beside you and drag you alongside in the right direction. :)

2011-06-27T02:18:00.001+08:00

But I am a sinner too

Raw

2011-06-27T01:57:00.006+08:00

Fluttered skirts and reddened cheeks

Batting eyelids touches meek

Points of height and bands of gold

Part so young yet part so old

Hit me full and drink me up

Let me down and feel my touch

And off we go young is the night

just this once there's no surprise

Sickened thoughts and preying eyes

let me go its just one time

place your bets you play to win

why even bother,

I'm already in

You look, disgusting. Absolutely. Entirely. And without reservation.

Try?

2011-06-22T23:48:00.001+08:00

Will you not understand,

the struggle in me?

And is it too much,

Just to ask for that?

it's a feeling

2011-06-20T23:23:00.002+08:00

People say a picture speaks a thousand words. But I am unabashedly lazy sometimes. Sometimes words convey a message that pictures fail to do. The undeniable effort and contemplation of the choice of language is still a masters work, un-capture-able by any frame.

Clearly i have been reading quite a bit more these few days. Loved and Reloved the Alchemist. Paul Ceohlo (is that misspelt?) is truly a gifted writer is he not? It really is a lost art you know. There is still this wonder in reading. Date a girl who reads. It shows her depth of mind.

On another count, blogs still need to be furnished with nice pictures. After all, they still form a special part of it no? Local CIP photo board for the kids tmr! hope it all goes well. Am going for CIP to China soon. This year's plan was to try to give back to the society as much as possible, and I really pray that I continue to have this heart and spirit and compassion. There is so much that we can do for the less fortunate, rather than sitting on our fat lazy asses going for supper and driving on fancy posh cars around.

Ning where are you? Love you guys to chumps and bits and pieces of marshmallow in my cereal. Happy Father's Day daddy!

Things in life are taking a turn for the interesting, unknown, and daring undecidedly different. Someone once called me schizophrenic. In all good fun we poked fun, and in the end clarified that i just had different sides to myself. But deep inside, I really think, I am schizo. There are parts of me I don't understand, parts of me which fight it out.

I want to be a good Christian boy, yet I want it different. I don't want to settle for a normal life, but I think i'd much rather be a boring day by day Christian rather than an exciting live by the edges trying to be good kinda person. It sucks a little when your in the middle - either whack all the way, or swing to the other man. People in the middle always play second fiddle.

I don't understand why people call me a social butterfly. At the end of the day, real friends are not judged by the number of people you know, but the number of people who really know, you.

Tis will be a sad day that no one would truly know me for who I am inside, and for this, I thank God that sometimes, a small handful of people who know me for who I am, is really sufficient for me. Maybe I don't have the fanciful parties and gatherings and outings and all the shazaam. But i thank God, at the end of the day, even for one marvellous guy who walks beside and has known me ever since God knows when man :)

Little gay, but on a more serious note, my prayers tonight go out for someone in hospital struck with blood complications (cancer) in the ICU. Prayer is an interesting thing - I'm not sure how it works, how humans can ever change God's plan, and how much my voice is heard. But this I know - that Up there, there is someone listening, and someone who promises to be there when I need him. And that whatever happens, the plan will be perfect. So do spare a moment and a minute tonight to prayer for this person - that God's mercy will be shown, and that he will come to know God, and the life everlasting

I guess...that kinda summarizes the thoughts for most of it all la. Partially there are no thoughts because we don't think about everything, but half the fun is really in not thinking it all right? ;-)

Cast in extremities

2011-06-18T23:02:00.002+08:00

I am twisted. And psychedelically crazy in a certain sense. I have one view. A narrow one. And I am narrow minded. I speak to myself in voices I do not hear.

I know only one way. And I try to be accommodating. But I know that is the only way and God swear by it that I walk only by that path. I am fearful, and I am scared of what lies on the left and the right. Youth has trained me that the straight minded can be scarier than the twisted.

I am despondent. I am disappointed. I am sad. and I am frustrated. when the world does not walk with me, I question why. When night falls sometimes I am lonely. But lonelier are those in the day, whose days are filled with darkness.

Maybe somewhere inside, I am a bit.

It's time God.

2011-06-18T02:22:00.002+08:00

If there was any other night, tonight is a night worthy of writing it down. And it will be a night where, I can only pray, that is a small stepping stone where your life will be changed :) And maybe I won't pull you into the dressing room anymore - but i'll always, somehow or rather, be watching ur back.

Kiddo,

I'm proud of you. At the end of the day, regardless of anything that happens, it'll always be me and you against the world. Ever since i pulled you into the room to tell you stop crying and to stop throwing tantrums, nothing has changed. My job is, and always will be, to protect you from what the world will tempt you with, and the point out the holes that may lie throughout your path. Holes which I've fallen into, or by the grace of God, managed to jump across.

And you've grown up. And there are so many, so many answers that you need to find on your own. I can give you the answers i think are right, but hey it won't be fun right? After all, the greatest most awesome puzzle in life to solve is really, life itself. Wouldn't want to be a party pooper and show you the answer to life.

But I am so thankful for your maturity in dealing with this. Looks like the dressing room sessions never went to waste after all hey? You've got a whole life to figure out in front of you, and this is only going to be one corner of the big picture. So take your time and do discover the wonderful tapestry. and know that as you walk on, I'll be there by the side praying that your path will be straight and you not wander to the left nor the right. Because at the end of the day, it'll always still be you and me, against the world ;)

Kk.

tonight, 2ppl important to me remind me that there's no other way, cuz it has to be you and me, against the world :)

Down from Back Under

2011-06-11T14:55:00.002+08:00

We're kids on a block

Mucking around

And when we grow old

We'll all still be young

Hello world it's nice to be back in Singapore. Australia has been a smashing trip and self enlightening and discovering more. I think the greatest journey in life is the process of self discovery as to who you really are, what you really want, and what you'll get out of this mortal life. Australia was full of steaks, ribs, wine (tons), babes, nice sun, 1400 photos, $3500 budget blown, and lots of fun moments.

Coming back is a bummer in a certain sense. Holidaying gives a sense of escapism where you can really run away from the real things in life which you have to face. Loads of detoxing to do because Australia was a splash pool full of wine too much red meats and sausages and hams. Chicken Vegetable soup will be good. And the list to conquer -

1. Plan out the proper keep fit exercise schedule.

2. Give Auntie Rose my detox menu. Vegetable soup FTW

3. Read Revelations. Bible quiz.

4. Guitar and Music updates.

5. Updates summer 2011

6. Catch up with Leader's training for bible study

7. Re-configure my portfolio

I think actually, this really forms the core of what I want to do you know. It's quite amazing that I actually see no impetus to meet up with friends or people. I guess it'll come along, but after 15 days of social activity, I really am quite tired. So perhaps the next few days will be reserved for myself and those important enough to meet up.

Like a surprise party that is coming up :) Shhh. Mum's the word

So pack your bags

We're out of school

I'll scratch your back

Push you down the pool!

15 years of friendship, through the educational system of Singapore, 50 girl stories, 3481239 hours staying over on the phone breakfast together, 5 holidays, 321 suppers, and uncountable memories. We're getting old brother! And we're always going to stay young :)

I read a journal article that once said that your bestest of friends are those which share similar values from you. I guess thats why people change friends here and there as their value systems change. But thank God that we make friends through more than just cognitive choice and natural selection. Just like love, friendship is an art more than a science is it not? I guess that explains why Ben is dating Amanda as well. Scientifically...well Ben you are an Arts boy la :) To many more years ahead ah.

So Shameless :)

Read past the lines man. If there's no need for me to say pun, there's no need for me to explain this :) I reserve hangover1, no strings attached, and the ugly truth!

Sleepy. Nap time then meeting then surprise!

i think i thought

2011-05-20T14:52:00.003+08:00

As we draw nearer

We cannot help but

feel further away

Summer updates

2011-05-15T22:50:00.007+08:00

It's really difficult to write in summer diaries and then try to update this blog. It's like, I have to write something somewhere, and then somewhere else again. But i looked back at my 2010 and realised that its so nice just to look through old photos and memories! My my. It's really been one year already since last summer when everything exciting happened ;) This is the end of one month of summer so here is the unedited photos cuz I am too lazy to change and make everything prettified.

I teach computer at buona vista CC these are the old people trying out facebook chat

They're all pretty cute trying out everything actually

Nice looking cheese platter, very expensive, but very important to pair with wine :)

I went for ABR which changed my life and perspective about a lot of things :) got me convicted once again, and helped me to wrangle out of a LIL tangled stuff here and there :) and I am reminded that your friends determine who you turn out to be, so continually surround yourself with those that point you back to the one true way in life

We made it :)

And then I had the chance to host the slovenian delegation which came. brought them everywhere. And perhaps spent the most ever in one week, paying for their desserts, suppers, and drinks everynight are you crazy right

Hello small memories which still make me smile a little once in a while :)

Erdinger. Probably the best beer in the world

Slovenians at SMU

And the boys and gang went to Malaysia where dicky made us walk to somewhere REALLY far, but in the end thanks to superb navigation skills we finally found the seafood restaurant. Not bad la the food quite nice :)

Happy mothers day mak!

SAFRA is actually a very nice place to hangout. I think i shall swim here more often. Just that too many people nah i think i shall stick to my condo swimming pool

Walked by China town and saw people singing. Some girl too scared to join them for $50. ;)

Hello Sentosa with CF people and very nice volleyball and rugby and random climbing of trees and photo taking. Love the sand sea and sand will marry a girl and propose somewhere there

Last but not least the fabulous ribs. Perfected recipe after 3 years :)

Eventful one month of summer lots to learn LOTS more to do meeting friends wine company wine connection random late night talks watching thor dancing to music singing to songs swimming and gym and I LOVE SUMMER :)

A long long time ago

2011-05-15T21:57:00.000+08:00

Often we find warmth

In the strangest of places

hello to you

2011-05-11T02:14:00.002+08:00

True friends come once in a blue moon

True love once in a lifetime

goodnight world :)

I guess...

2011-05-07T03:26:00.003+08:00

That yea, maybe the path i walk is straight. Maybe it is narrow. And maybe the scenes don't change that much all the time. But it is right. And it is a right and good thing. Because we can have fun with friends, in good, clean, good-natured ways which the world may look down upon, but we know that there is so much more than worldly approval and human nods. Because I don't need alcohol to make me high. I don't need flesh to make me feel secure. I don't need lust to drive my passion. And I know that there is so much more to life, than this. And tonight I sleep knowing that God is happy.

And that, is more, and infinitely, enough for me. :)

I have finally found the answer to life friends

It is but always here, only for you to open it.

tour guide services

2011-05-05T23:18:00.002+08:00

This whole week I've been touring and bringing the Slovenian's around. It's tiring waking up in the morning early to bring them here, bringing them touring around in the afternoon, then drinking with them at night.

But I thank God still :) For such opportunities. To meet new people, to be bless with enough money to buy them desserts, to share a little bit of religion with them. I have a backlog of photos, things that happened during summer, outings in M'sia and mind games, all undocumented and typed down. better start writing before memories fade!

That said, tonight I will rest, and wake up early tomorrow. It is a good day, and I shall eat my sweet potato, watch one episode of big bang theory, and go to sleep happy that there is more to life than just this :)

Do you know, for all that you are, you remind me that at the end of the day,

I am still human :)

and that is a beautiful thing

Goodnight everybody!

about time isn't it

2011-05-02T02:58:00.002+08:00

Adapted from a online Forum:

I've been wondering this for months now, and haven't taken the time to talk with my Priest about it (I will eventually). I wanted to get everyones opinion on here...

Partying, is it an un-Christian thing? Or is it just my former Protestantism creeping up behind me like a boogeyman?

I know getting drunk is a sin, and it's something I certainly do not enjoy. But I do enjoying drinking with my friends and hanging out with them.

However, is there a point where it crosses the line? When I go to real parties, with dozens of people dancing, loud music, etc... I almost feel like I'm doing something wrong by just being there. Yet, I haven't actually done anything I thought was sinful.
Is dancing (that is, not just by yourself but with others, esp. w/ someone of the opp. sex) really a bad thing? I know certain kinds of dancing would be innapropriate, but not all kinds of dancing would be wrong would it?

The friends I live with aren't Orthodox, but are Christian, though they don't attend Church. One of the comments one of them made has stuck with me, referring to a recently-emerging Pop artist, one of them commented "I would love to party with her"... I thought about it, and that comment didn't have anything in or behind it that had a double meaning to it. They just thought that girl would be fun to be at a party with. (as in, probably would make it more fun, the life of the party) I began to question if partying is such a horrible thing (as I always felt was the portrayal when I was a Protestant)

I know we must control ourselves and prepare ourselves for the end. But should we do so and then ignore the life we have now? I can understand monastics dedicating their whole lives to it, but some of us have chosen to live amongst the world (without being of it). Is it wrong to want to have fun (though the fun i'm describing is not sinful), or should we be serious and uptight all the time?

Thoughts? Opinions? Advice?

In Christ,

-----------------------------------------------

Perhaps...it is time to finally, finally, voice out.

"I shall so do, God being my helper"

i am tired

2011-05-01T00:22:00.002+08:00

Dear God,

tonight, please send a true friend,

because I am tired.

And even bursting with energy

full of enthusiasm,

and blessings you have given me

I also need to rest

Thank you God

Love,

Nat

Google has the answer to everything

2011-04-29T12:35:00.001+08:00

the buffalo have given up on the world. and apollo? apollo is kissing all the valley girls

Back home!

2011-04-29T04:00:00.003+08:00

Back from the dead and alive again

Late at night readings it's all worth for friends

We made it through four years friends.

Because you make it easier, when life gets hard :)

why do YOU keep appearing on my sidewall?

Goodnight world :)

How do you spend your saturday nights?

2011-04-24T02:13:00.002+08:00

Perhaps who one is not what who one says he is

but by the things one does

and the friends one make

we see who one really is.

How do you spend your saturday nights?

In bits and pieces

2011-04-22T13:15:00.002+08:00

Dear Friends,

Today is a day where Christians throughout the world celebrate something called Good Friday. 2011 years ago, we believe that Jesus died, and every friday, we celebrate that. Pretty cool celebrating someone's death anniversary hey. Personally, it may not make any sense to you, and it probably doesn't. If there's anyone's death to celebrate, it's usually dictators like Hitler, or Sadaam Hussein, or Jack the Ripper, or lee Kuan Yew. But celebrate Jesus' death?! And all we Christians say he's such a big thing in our lives? Sometimes, a part of me thinks that the things I believe in are ludicrous, unbelievable, a stretch of faith, and a step of irrationality at times.

And I don't deny it. Today is a day, where 2011 ago, an event happened, which I premise my life upon. In fact, that may make even less sense to many of my friends. First we celebrate deaths. Then we think one death changes our whole course of life in this single-minded course changing path of life set in one direction.

And maybe my faith has its mysteries. In fact, half of me is trying to figure out, what it really is all about. Some people think Christianity is about converting people, and that is why we go round in little groups telling people about Christ. It's our sole aim in life. Supposedly, we are all well read in apologetics, and all the richard dworkins and eat dust as we spout out scientific proof, personal experiences, biblical verses, and historical evidence that Christianity is real man. real stuff.

Some people think Christianity is about gathering in big groups once a week, and singing love songs to "God", and studying the bible, debating about it, and being well versed. In fact, so well versed that we have a textbook answer to every difficulty! Feeling Sorrow? Don't worry, your mourning will turn to joy, in the morning! (forgive the pun). Feeling Angry? Let not the sunset with your anger burning in you brother. Feeling unsure of what to do? Read the bible.

Some people think Christianity is about denouncing the immorals of the world. Let all who drink and smoke and do drugs be condemned as I stand upon my moral high pedestal and judge all unworthy who walk beside me. And then we just hang around with good Christian friends, marry a good christian spouse, and have a good Christian life while we watch the rest of the world burn.

The sad thing is, your not alone. Some Christians I know, think that their faith is all about this as well. That is why so much gets levied upon Christianity, and honestly, deservingly so. We have exclusive Christians who don't bother making friends with any others because of a value system. We have hypocritical Christians which judge and feel they are so much better than other sinners because, we think we've got it right. We have closeted Christians who lose touch with the world because we live under our bibles and have our noses buried deep that we don't know what's with the world.

But my faith is not that. Christianity is not about that. In fact, and amazingly, Christianity is about, one person's death. And perhaps everything that happened 2011 years ago, is but the truest reflection of what we're supposed to be. It is about how someone offered to die, to take the punishment for all of us. It is about how someone gave up his whole life, because he was asked to do so, because someone had to bear the cost. It is about sacrifice. It is about sacrifice because of love.

Maybe there are logical gaps in this story for now - need to die meh? What is this punishment thing that you believe in? What are we being punished for? Are you sure this punishment thing is correct? What if actually don't need to die one, then anyhow die. I also can what!

I believe that i am a sinner, and that I am flawed beyond redemption, and understandably, that's a huge logical maze to navigate through which deserves a whole map on its on. I look at myself and the things I do, and sometimes, I find it hard to disagree with that conclusion. I am selfish. I am scheming. I am manipulative. I am flirtatious. I am self seeking. And ya sure I have my good points, but there is sometimes I feel that there is so much evil in me that I can't easily cast a role in Ai (the 7pm show) as one of the villains. Just let the natural mind run man.

And 2011 years ago, I believe that Jesus died, to take the punishment for me. It is a story of choice, of sacrifice, of love. That is why, I celebrate Good Friday, and why I think, Christianity should be premised upon this. It is not about high grounded morals and judgmental discourses and epistemological debates. It is not about some social fan fare and big friendly group. And it is sad that I find myself stumbling into these pitfalls as I struggle to be a better man as well. It's like walking on a path, and realising that all the way, you've been going in the wrong direction. That's not what my life should be about.

It is about love, sacrifice, and death. It is about a man who gave up all he could for someone else. And I can afford to learn a little bit more about it. That is why throughout the world, Christians in their little corner stop and pause to have a day to reflect on so much that happened 2011 years ago. And how so many years later, it still is a guiding light as to how I should live my life. I celebrate his death, because it teaches me everything about there is to life.

So have a Great Good Friday my friends, where-ever you are, and whoever you believe in, and whichever religion you may belong to. Have a great break and well deserved one (afterall, its a public holiday!) And whatever mysterious you have, I hope this humble note clarifies just a little bit of who, and what I believe in, and why I'm so big about Good friday and why I celebrate someone's death anniversary.

Because 2011 years ago

He died,

that I may live.

Love,

Nat

P.s. This note is not a defender or proof that Christianity is real. In fact, that is perhaps the largest logical jump one has to make. Some people think that this is really a great myth and fairytale that is so nice to believe in. That's a very powerful proposition, which is alarmingly true for some Christians i know even. I have my reasons why I think this is true, and not simply a fairy tale, but that is an epistemological debate which is, really not what today is all about :)

Good

2011-04-22T04:28:00.003+08:00

Tomorrow,

I will remember that 2011 years ago,

they pierced his hands, so that mine could be clean

they nailed him to the cross, so that I could walk free

they set a crown of thorns on him, that I may wear one of gold

and that 2011 years ago,

he died, that I may live.

And if there is any reason for my existence,

it is because tomorrow, he died.

such that all of us, may live.

How are you spending, your good friday?

It's like, we were never there

2011-04-21T02:36:00.003+08:00

It's like, we were never there

before don't you think?

Winding back the clock

And hearing it metal clink

Randomly at 2.45am, My body refuses to sleep and do coherent stuff. It's like, I can't sleep. My body wants to go to overdrive and keep doing and keep clawing. It's summer already. Go to sleep boy. And wake up to a brand new day.

Did I tell you?

Secretly Deep Inside.

I am as Much of you

as you are of me.

and I miss law school, already.

For every one we've left unsaid

I'll wish it for, another day

We were young and when we were

It was perfect, I thought she said.

It'll all be alright. I promise.

Summer Air

2011-04-20T22:40:00.003+08:00

Dear Diary,

Today is the 2nd day of summer. I ended my exams on monday, 18th of April, and at 4pm, I stepped into the bright shimmery and beautiful phase they call summer. In some ways, perhaps my last summer. On monday night, I slept at 5am, and woke up at 12noon the next day. Last night, I slept at 5am again, and woke up at 2.45pm. Waking past noon is a luxury which I used to embrace a long time ago, when time didn't matter, and the nights were filled just being, myself. I have met, 2 separate groups of friends the following nights.

Tonight I chose to come back early, early being, 10.30pm, a time I know quite a number of my friends would count as late. In fact, half my friends are out. The other half are back home, getting ready to sleep, and waking up at 7am the next day for a fresh new day.

This summer, is the most unique one that will pass. I am now 25, on the edge of graduation, while most of my friends have graduated, and on the edge of finishing my degree. A long time ago, I stepped into the halls of SMU wondering what Uni life would have been. Education has been interesting. I have pursued and achieved many things. I have gone crazy in CCAs. I have aced and topped my studies before. I have led the slack life. I have, for one part of me perhaps, bordered on the wilder side of life sometime in the past. All in wondering what kind of person I will become.

And I am now 25. It is never cool to mop back in retrospect too much.

So i think for now perhaps, after 2 days of trying to prove to myself that i MUST stay out everynight, that i have to meet up with friends, perhaps there is no point in proving. Perhaps, I shall honestly return back to myself and say that no, I am not that much. I am just me, and really, there's nothing to prove to anyone about anything. And maybe its time to take back control as to what I really want to do with my life this summer, and enrich the lives of others. There is so much time, and I don't need to be out so much. The field is so big, and the workers are already few. If the harvest is plenty, then why should I be so concerned on playing?

Someone told me once about how a young lawyer died, and in her eulogy, was being credited as being a "fun-loving" person. And she reflected that it would be "so sad" if that's what we're all being credited for in the end.

So maybe its time to put things back under the belt and listen for the next roll call and bugle horn already hey. Summer is here. Summer is fun. Summer is hot. But maybe this year summer should be a little different. I've played with summer fire enough for the past two years. Maybe this year it was meant, to be different :)

Hello Summer. With open arms.

Nath

Amuse me

2011-04-18T10:53:00.003+08:00

The cartographer wondered to himself, staring blankly at the map before him.

He ruffled his hair and tried to flatten the creased parchment in front of him

I think, you look better with less clothes on, he muttered to himself, chuckling away into the night

- Jim Weir, The silent Cartographer

IP IP IP IP IP

2011-04-16T15:29:00.001+08:00

Maybe its true, that whatever they say

We lie too far apart

on the milky way

Perfect

2011-04-09T21:49:00.002+08:00

Do you remember?

That there was a time

Perhaps for the shortest of moments

And slightest of minutes

That together

the world was perfect

I have been changed for good

2011-04-08T10:06:00.003+08:00

Like a comet pulled from orbit

As it passes a sun

Like a stream that meets a boulder

Halfway through the wood

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

But because I knew you

I have been changed for good

I love the musical Wicked. I had the blessings to catch it when I was flying around the world, and I caught this in London. No regrets. And this song is perhaps the 2nd or my favourite song (the other one being "loathing"). The two lead actresses sing this song just before they part their ways for the second time in the musical, and the reprise for the closing song is just, so nice.

But this song speaks a lot more as well. It speaks of change. And through many little small things and nuggets of wisdom that friends drop along the way, I am reminded why we still need to be big on change, small on self, slow to anger, and quick to forgive. And how pride always stands in the way of ourselves. Today I read something which said,

Don’t resist God’s corrective hand. Respond to His reproofs with thankfulness that He loves you enough to care about what kind of a person you are becoming.

But this really begs the question right. Why bother being so big on change? Why keep wanting to be "someone", else?

I think it starts from the fact of realising that we are flawed, in who we are. That we are but a shadow of what we can really be. I think in our closeted little egoistic laziness we would like to think that we are fine being who we are. Or at least, close to what the world tells us we should be. Hollywood glorifies the big-breasted, slim legged beautiful blonde and the six-pack abs chiseled face well-built male, and so we spend our time dieting eating less going to the gym in trying to be like that so much. And we look in the mirror and see our physical bodies and be so proud of what we're achieving

And then we leave our character to rot. In what I guess is the full sense of the word.

There is no stagnancy and being comfortable in who we are now. Just like our physical bodies, we either become better, or we deteriorate. One friend once commented

"Isn't it sad that you aren't happy being yourself? Shouldn't one be happy as to who one is?"

which seems to make a lot of sense and got me thinking for say, about half a year. And 6 mths of thinking later I realise that perhaps, it is sadder that we can find happiness in what is supposed to disgust. How could I ever find happiness in this selfish, self-centered, narcissistic, prideful spiteful egoistic impatient uncaring unsympathetic me?

Don't get me wrong. I think humans are beautiful. There is a little goodness in everyone. I think we ought to be happy in that. And i think the beautiful thing is learning how to love this little goodness in everyone else. But there's a whole lot of rot surrounding everyone of us. and as much as we love others for their goodness, we need to constantly reproach ourselves (not one another) in trying to change this. And its a beautiful thing when two people find each other loving each other for their goodness, yet knowing that we're stars on the same path towards a bigger place in life.

Yet in the same breath, people just have different priorities in life. Some focus on doing. I focus on being. Maybe because I have a larger end goal of what I'm supposed to take out of this mortal walk. I don't have all the answers, but we're all trying to work our way there. And maybe one day we will be enlightened, not in that we see all that is around us, but that we see the light.

Moments of inspiration

2011-04-07T03:12:00.001+08:00

We all find our way one day

Rest

2011-04-06T12:17:00.003+08:00

You are the butterflies and lollipops

and rainbows after the rain

The body has an interesting way to force you to rest. After too many nights of Fifa and conversations, and cramming up too much work in a day, my body has shut down and made me sleep one morning. The tremor is building. This semester I really am not with myself. Perhaps it is the sad realization that my classmates leave, and so half of me leaves us well. This is really the famous last term syndrome.

I have been to Hong Kong and gone around, met up with good friends and celebrated birthdays. All amidst cramming for my finals once again. Law school has come one whole round, and it is amazing how fast we are leaving as quickly as we came. One day, it'll all be over don't you think?

Smile, for if there's anything left of our sanity,

at least we leave smiling

in my eyes

2011-04-02T22:07:00.001+08:00

"You like red velvet cupcakes right? Ok la. I'll try to bake for you!"

Because there is so much between us, which cannot be captured in a single sentence :)

We live in a sad world

2011-04-02T12:20:00.002+08:00

I once wrote that we lived in a contextualised world. Blogger has this nice little function where they remember your tags. Yesterday was the last official day of school, which marks my 4 years in SMU. Only when I look back, do I realise how long it is. And actually, there are so many memories stuck in my head about what I've done and what has happened.

And at the last day of exam, half of me will leave SMU. Perhaps next year will be a new lonely and soul searching year. It'll be different being the veteran with, no friends.

Today the law society sent out an email about free drinks. Its sad nowadays that we have to motivated by such extrinsic mortal worldly attractions. Free food. Free drinks. Free booze.

Whatever happened to the ideal camaraderie and love for school and friends that get people together? Whatever happened to loving the identity that makes us a unique law school? People say how much you invest in something determines how much you get out. How true.

Nevertheless, its a sad world we live in, that people can't get their minds straight as to what is important. Today I go into my cave and search for what's the most important, and the last thing I can say is how sad the world is nowadays. indeed.

501

2011-03-31T03:46:00.003+08:00

Happy 501th post! It's rather little I suppose. For something that's lasted 4 skins, 4 years encounting. But exam times studying too much too hard and oh well.

Thought requires effort. It is bothering to think for someone. That is why perhaps the greatest friendships and the greatest appreciations we have for the greatest people in our lives are those who bother to think. To think about others first, before themselves. After all, if everything thought for each other first, then selfishness would dissipate, because there would be no need, to ever think for myself.

Good morning world

2011-03-24T09:36:00.002+08:00

Good morning world! It is a nice cheery morning feeling that permeates the soul today. I am 25 this year, rushing through my law degree, and realising slowly that there is more to life than just this mortal human race which I am running. Blog skin is old and too girly, but I can't be that bothered as yet. Change will come maybe after the exams but for now it's going into the cave slowly and surely!

Happy thursday everyone :)

The wisdom of Disney

2011-03-23T12:32:00.002+08:00

A dream is a wish your heart makes

when you're fast asleep

stars

2011-03-20T22:38:00.002+08:00

In the tiniest of ways

And smallest of matters

you make me believe

in something called everything

If there was something I would tell my kids, it is to dream. It is to dream of the impossibilities that everyone tells you will never happen. It is to see the stars and to reach up for it so that you can touch the impossibility of star dust. It is to believe in the hope that is everlasting. To soar and fly among the clouds as if you were not restrained by the human confines of gravity. To dream and hold on to faith like a little girl clutching a precious pillow of a treasure chest. To know that the only confines that you will ever have is how much you choose to believe in yourself. To fall in love and to fall out of love in search of the fairy tale that you want your life to be. To believe that Cinderella found her prince, that King Arthur pulled Excalibur out and became King, that Simba found his way back after years of getting lost. To believe in the pursuit of the unknown and excitement that the adventure of life brings. To dream of a greater future and a magical place. To dream of sandcastles in the air. Because life is a treasure chest which holds so much more than just being. Waiting to be unlocked, discovered, unearthed, and inspired. Because the as surely as the sun will rise and a whole new day bursts upon the light which it brings, we all know in the smallest of ways and the tiniest of matters, that wishes do come true.

painstakingly etched

2011-03-19T21:17:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I wonder, what kind of person you are. Or want to be. and sometimes I feel that I just can't put a finger on you. It's like, there was no one there to begin with. Sometimes I see you being the person you want to be, yet sometimes you just sway along the wind that blows. It's as if, you have no weight to you. And you just follow through and by the nose.

It's pretty sad you know, if you think about it. I don't think God made anyone to be, just anyone. Even wallflowers know their place and role. And even if you don't buy the God argument, the plain existence of humanity goes so much more than to just, being. It's a sense and realization of what life really is. That at the end of the day, we were all meant to be somebody. Not somebody in the bill gates kind of sense, but a kind of somebody who, is somebody. Someone. Some...one with a soul, a character, a personality.

It's not a matter of direction. We all change directions once in a while unsure of our paths. But I don't know. If you sway and you move and you go everywhere, anywhere, maybe you'll find one day that you got, nowhere. It's as if there is no consistent person to face to. It's like one day I know who you are, and one day, I feel I don't even know you. At all. Which is why sometimes I wonder, who are you, really? What, makes you? Puff, wind, smoke and rain?

But I guess, you seem happier not figuring it all out. I just hope you know what you want, and you get there. And at the end of the day, that there'll be someone left in you, to question who, what, and why, you really are.

Maybe, we've got it all wrong?

2011-03-19T20:24:00.001+08:00

"Back in my grandparents' day," she'd say, "everyone still believed that love follows marriage. Now we've all been influenced by the Hollywood idea that love comes first. I'm not sure this is a good thing.

"My mother always said that getting into a relationship is like heating water: first simmer, then boil. The only way to be sure is to marry first and wait for love to come later. Westerners have it backwards – you expect the water to come to a boil first. When the relationship cools down, you're disappointed and you break it off."

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2011/mar/19/arranged-marriage-husband-miranda-kennedy

It's a long sick day

2011-03-17T21:18:00.003+08:00

Sing me a song and tell me you care

and just for this moment

things will be perfect for a little while

A lack of sleep really takes you on sometimes. 5 hours a day really wears the body down, and for perhaps one of the first times, law school has really weared me down. I ran out of class today with 45min left, and snuck up to sleep, and totally knocked out. Speaks volumes of how much law school causes you to age sometimes.

Its that time of the year where you look back and ask yourself what the hell you did in university, and whether it was all really worth. The lemons gotta be worth the squeezing. And when we leave this town, there'll really be no turning back. Strikes you like a chord deep inside.

I guess we all grow up. I've kinda dreamt of this life ever since I was a kid, and boy was I wrong all the way. It's been an interesting twist that God sends you once in a while. Much less about nothing before I collapse into sweet slumber.

Indeed the body needs rest.

And quotes which help me think and know that somewhere along the way, finding a path is the right way forward

The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who in times of great moral crisis maintain their neutrality.

down

2011-03-14T09:23:00.002+08:00

you give and take away

my heart will choose to say

Lord blessed be your name

but to ground zero

?

2011-03-12T02:07:00.003+08:00

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android

2011-03-12T02:07:00.001+08:00

Its pretty interesting using a tablet to type. Kinda half slow way. But its quite intuitive I guess. On another note, I really dont have time. Its sad how we know that theres nothing to work out, as much as its nice. Maybe there is a bigger plan afterall

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doubt

2011-03-11T10:13:00.003+08:00

Even now, I still question. Sometimes I wonder why. And even why not. Sometimes I think that it was all my fault, and it was all because of me. Yet sometimes I try to escape and reassure myself that it's in that iffy, cloudy like thing they call the grand big plan in life.

You see, everyone has doubts. And little fears that lurk in the corners of life waiting to pounce on you when you make that corner. Maybe it's all a facade when we say that it'll all be ok, and that we want to trust. It's our little ways of dealing with what seems to be the impending reality that is to befall us. I don't know.

We say trust is the absence of doubt in this walk of life we take. I hope it isn't, because everyday I wake up with doubts about who I am, who I want to be, and what I'm going to become. I'll be lying to say I got it all figured out. But maybe there's some truth in the little things that I trust. Trust isn't the absence of doubt. Maybe it's more of taking the walk, even in the presence of doubt.

i thought

2011-03-10T12:52:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I think

We think too much

And love too little

Everyday Life

2011-03-07T15:10:00.004+08:00

I think having my friends in the last year brings about a lot of reflection for me. What I do, what I did, the presentations that I have. It's really quite amazing how we lasted the four years. I also realise how true the 10,000 hour rule is (you can read about the 10000hour rule --> here . At least in Uni, the people you choose to spend your grad trip with, the friends who will eventually call and ask how you are, are really the people you invest time in. Last semester always brings about these questions: What really matters?

Ah well. Blogging is good for the soul. These are the little things which make up my life

Ebiko Angel Hair seafood pasta. First attempt at cooking a pasta dish. David Kelly Jo and I had a cooking competition. In the end, it was...we loved the wine.

The photos below are from a restaurant called Chef D'table at Chijmes. Went there for my brothers birthday. very very nice.

The pork shoulder is to die for. Really melts in your mouth

I love the lobster bisque

Little things that remind...

There's this game on the iphone called orbital. This was my two shot kill wonder.

Break week was nice. Although we had class, our professor did it in TCC. rather cool right. Mergers and Acquisitions under Wan Wai Yee kids. Great Prof

My wallet has too much money now. I just opened my Ang Baos.

12 Jalan Kembang Melati under renovation. In competition with 11 Deal Road

We went to shin yuu for my sister's birthday

Nice fruity 2005 NZ wine

And so, break week flew past just like this. its week10. In 5 weeks time, my school life will drastically change come next term. SMU will be interesting without the usual bunch of people. I guess..we'll just see how it goes.

peekabo

2011-03-06T23:47:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, it is not so much that we do not try hard enough

but more so that we search in the wrong places

- places people find stuff